Homer's page

Homer @ Fenway


I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
I will not burn rubber through the open car window and into the fast food restaurant, no matter how good it smells.
The computer's mouse is, unlike a real mouse, inedible.
I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
I will not throw up in the car.
I will scootch my bottom along the grass to rid myself of hangers-on.
I will not steal used sanitary napkins from the bathroom garbage.
I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
I will not eat other animals' poop.
I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
I will not roll my head around in other animals' poop.
"Kitty box crunchies" are not food.
I will not eat any more socks and then re-deposit them in the backyard after processing.
The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
I will not eat the disposable diapers, especially the dirty ones.
I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.
I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
I will not chew crayons or pens, 'specially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of someone who is sitting on the toilet.
We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom and Dad's laps.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.
I will not play tug-o'-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.

Dog Quotes

"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about little puppies."
-- Gene Hill

"In dog years, I'm dead" -- Unknown
"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear." -- Dave Barry
"I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl." -- Penny Ward Moser
"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down." -- Robert Benchley
"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives." -- Sue Murphy
"No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation." -- Fran Lebowitz
"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul: chicken, pork, half cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!" -- Anne Tyler
"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." -- Rita Rudner
"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money." -- Joe Weinstein
"Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant." -- Unknown
"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that most dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." -- James Thurber
"You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets." -- Nora Ephron
"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." -- Ann Landers
"Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." -- Robert A. Heinlein
"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him." -- Dereke Bruce
"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." -- Ben Williams
"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem." -- Edward Abbey
"Cat's Motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it." -- Unknown
"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself." -- Josh Billings
"Heaven goes by favour. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in." -- Mark Twain
"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went." -- Unknown
"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a woman." -- Mark Twain
"My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpets or ruin our lives." -- Rita Rudner
"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion." -- Unknown

Dog & Creation

On the first day of creation, God created the dog.
On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.
On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth (especially the horse) to serve as potential food for the dog.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the dog.
On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the man broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.

Some Dog Links

Dog page @ AnimalBytes.com
Dog Hause

Jonathan Arnold <[email protected]>
Last modified: Sat Nov 25 07:34:21 Eastern Standard Time 2000